What you will find here:

• a priority placed on connection, empathy and respect
• help with problem solving and conflict resolution
• acceptance of feelings and appreciation of various communication and learning styles
• support for the creative process, rather than praise of the product
• an emphasis on intrinsic motivation

What you won't find here:

• a priority place on "good" behavior
• victim/perpetrator labels
• squelching of genuine feelings and expectations for "cookie cutter" behavior or reactions
• evaluation of art or creative work, even with positive words such as "beautiful" "good job" or "nice."
• praise or rewards designed to manipulate behavior and create extrinsic motivation

Compassionate Communication

When a child’s emotional and physical needs are being met, they are naturally compassionate, curious and connected to the world. Unmet needs often result in feelings of frustration, anger, fear or worry. Compassionate Communication (sometimes referred to as Nonviolent Communication (NVC) – see The Center for Nonviolent Communication for more info) offers a loving way to meet children’s universal needs for empathy, practical help, and the opportunity to express themselves without judgment.

Staff facilitates communication in ways that meet community needs for respect and safety. Children feel respected even when they do not get what they want.

• We assure the safety of everyone
• We listen for the underlying feelings and needs behind the behavior; and we help children do the same for themselves and each other
• We trust each child’s process and ability to work things out
• We give practical help through a language of observations, feelings, needs, and requests (NVC)
• We avoid rewards and punishments

We have created a model childcare room at Zenana Spa and Wellness Center in which children are treated with consideration, respect, nurturing, and authenticity.  As adults, we can contribute to this by:

• Avoiding praise, judgment or evaluations of children and their work and, instead offering them our silent attention or a description of what we see
• Getting down to their level and listening to what they have to tell us
• Being willing to listen to children’s feelings with love and compassion while limiting actions that may compromise others' safety
• Help children meet their own needs for autonomy and freedom
• Offering tools/strategies for satisfying, connection-building interactions between people of all ages

Compassionate Communication Practice

When helping children resolve conflicts or express needs, we often use the following format, which is based on the compassionate communication model:  

• Observation: Staff will describe, without judgment, what they are seeing, “When you (see, hear)...”
• Feelings and Needs: Staff will listen and reflect back the feelings and needs they are hearing from the children. “Do you feel...and are you (needing)...”
• Requests: Staff will help the children articulate to one another what they are wanting, and will check in with both children about whether something works for them. “...And would you like me/them to...?”

Before we jump to “fixing” a situation, remember that understanding for what is happening inside a child often IS the solution.

Rather than viewing conflicts as a negative experience to be avoided, we prefer to view conflicts as a wonderful opportunity to connect, to express our needs, to genuinely hear about the needs of others and to find a mutually workable solution – often compromise is not necessary as children are adept at coming up with “win-win” solutions when given support, trust, and effective tools.

Feelings and Needs

We listen for underlying unmet needs, and we always assume that every behavior is an attempt to meet a need – even if the strategy is not the most effective or enjoyable for others.  We don’t need to know what the need is in order to respond warmly and attentively.  By connecting with a child in such a way, we allow the child the room to experiment with other strategies to meet the need because when a child feels trusted, supported and safe, he/she feel hopeful that things will work out and that we are there to help.  As Aletha Solter put it, “It is ironic but true, children are the most in need of our loving attention when they act the least deserving of it.”

Evaluations and Praise 

Children have an innate sense of their own capability, relevance and accomplishments, and therefore tend to thrive in an atmosphere of unconditional support and love- with no strings attached. "Good job!" is conditional and it is inherently manipulative. It means we're offering attention and acknowledgement and approval for jumping through our hoops, for doing things that please us (acknowledgments to Alfie Kohn.) This manipulative and conditional treatment models conditional and manipulative behavior and erodes intrinsic desire to contribute, create and connect.

"Commenting, acknowledging, and praising children for their achievements and other well-intended interventions foster dependency on external validation and undermine the children's trust in themselves. Children who are subjected to endless commentary, acknowledgment, and praise eventually learn to do things not for their own sake, but to please others. When we intervene with praise, wants, advice, and rewards, doubts sneak in and shake loose our children's trust in themselves and in us...they perceive that we have an agenda - that we are manipulating them toward some preferred or "improved" end result...As educator John Holt has said of children, "They are afraid, above all else, of failing, of disappointing or displeasing the many anxious adults around them, whose limitless hopes and expectations for them hang over their heads like a cloud." In short...the happiness we see (as a result of praise) is not pleasure, but rather relief that another pleasing act has been accomplished, securing parental approval (emotional survival) and concealing a feeling of deep loss." Naomi Aldort

For more on praise and rewards: Alfie Kohn

Common words that evaluate include: good, bad, right, wrong, pretty, beautiful, smart, nice, great, ugly

Some suggestions to replace evaluative language:

• asking a child to tell you about their work or their process
• silent companionship
• an expression of your own feelings and needs that are met
• guesses about the feelings and needs of the child
• listening attentively
• describing what you see

Setting Limits

(Grateful acknowledgements to Patty Wipfler, Hand in Hand Parenting for the information here)

It is vital to learning and life that children know they are safe, will be respected, and will have the support they need to stop themselves when they are feeling out of control. Everyday stress can result in children losing their patience, their love of fun, their easygoing ability to enjoy the day. At these times, they may act irritable, antagonistic, out of their bodies; or they may insist on having things someone else has, or want one thing after another, without gaining satisfaction.

At times like these, adults can play a very positive role. We can set limits on children's behavior by stepping in with the support they need to regain their innate joy, ease and caring for others.

Protective Use of Force and Compassionate Problem Solving

If a child is doing something that compromises needs for safety or respect, it’s time to step in. Get down so you are at eye level, step in gently, and state the limit. If she's throwing toys in anger, put your hand on the toy she's about to throw, and say, "I won't let you throw that." No punishment is needed, no lectures are needed, no harshness is needed. Simply step in.

Once everyone is safe, this is the time for empathy. (Generally, empathy is needed for all the children involved). Try to avoid “victim” and “perpetrator” labels and instead help all children feel understood and supported – their experiences valued.

“You really wanted that toy...I see how frustrated you feel. I’ll help you work it out.”

“Were you wanting him to know you weren’t done yet?”

“It’s really hard to wait.”

With this compassionate ear, she may begin to cry or tantrum. This is constructive. It is your child's way of getting rid of the tension that resulted in the behavior in the first place. If you can stay close while she cries or storms, she will continue until she has regained her ability to listen, to be cooperative, and to make the best of the situation at hand. Your empathy and understanding is the essential ingredient to this recovery.    

Or the child may visibly relax as soon as they feel heard and understood, and they may move into immediate problem solving mode – now able to trust that their needs are being held as important and that things will work out for everyone involved.

For more information on setting limits and tears and tantrums see Hand in Hand Parenting

Credit to Laura Davis and Janis Keyser for the following framework for conflict resolution. Read more exerpts from their book " Becoming the Parent You Want to Be."

"In thinking about children's conflicts, we begin with several basic assumptions:

• Every conflict between children is an opportunity for growth and learning.
• Many conflicts between children come from an attempt to play together and are not really about "toys."
• An adult's best role in children's conflict is that of support person, facilitator, safety net, and provider of tools -- rather than arbitrator.
• An adult needs to feel genuine empathy for each of the children in the conflict in order to facilitate it effectively.    

We recommend several tools for helping children work through conflict. Most center around what may be new, and useful communication strategies. Although they appear here in a list, they are to be used as needed, not in a particular order.

• Ensure children's safety. The first step in any conflict resolution is to make sure that children aren't being hurt or in danger of being hurt. This means that you may have to move in quickly and calmly, using your body to stop a bite, move hitting children slightly away from each other or immobilize a truck that is about to be thrown. You can tell children what you are doing: "I'm going to stop you from biting Jessica." "I'm stopping you so you don't throw that truck. It could hurt someone."
• Use sportscasting. Children who are engrossed in a conflict usually can't see what is actually going on. It can be useful to non-judgmentally describe what you see happening. Sportscasting can also calm children down, because they feel heard and acknowledged. Sportscasting sounds like this: "Hugh had the shovel and you took it and now Hugh is crying," or "I see both of you holding on to that blanket and screaming."
• Practice active listening. Often in a conflict, people scream and hit because they don't believe anyone is listening to them. Ironically, when they are in that state, they can't listen to anyone else, either. When a third party comes in to listen and give voice to the feelings and ideas being expressed, children can feel heard and be more open to the other person's perspective. Active listening involves giving words to non-verbal communication or reframing verbal communication: "I see you crying. It looks like you are feeling sad." "I see you reaching for that blanket. It looks like you really want it." "I hear you calling your friend a dummy. You sound like you are mad."
• Reframing. Most of us are less articulate when we are having intense feelings. Children start with limited vocabularies and often end up in a conflict without the words they need. You can assess what you think children are trying to say and offer alternatives. Here are some examples:

  
  Child: You're a poopoo!
  Adult: If you don't want him in the wagon, you can say, 'Please move.'

  Child: 'Doooooooooooon't!!
  Adult: You could tell her, 'Don't take that play-doh. I'm still playing with it.'

  Child: I hate you!
  Adult: You could tell him, 'I don't like it when you push me off the platform. It hurts.'

  Child: You can't come to my birthday party! I'm never going to play with you again.
  Adult: You sound mad that Micah won't let you play here. You could tell him, 'I don't like it when you won't let me play.'

• Use redirection. Redirection means offering children positive alternatives to the unsuccessful methods they are trying to use in a conflict. Usually, when children are fighting, you will be redirecting them to use words, rather than their bodies to express themselves. After stopping the hurtful behavior you can offer another way to express the same idea: "I'm going to stop you from kicking Kevin. You can tell Kevin that it hurts your feelings when he calls you 'dummy.'" "I can't let you push Jocelyn off the slide, but you can tell her, 'Move, please, I'm sliding now.'"
• Give information. Sometimes, children lack simple information about human relationships or the effects of their actions: "When you bite Bo, it hurts and she cries." "When you call people names, it can hurt their feelings." "If you want the book he is reading, you could bring him another one to see if he wants to trade."
• State the problem. It is difficult to think of solutions if you don't know what the problem is. Children may think that the problem is the child who is trying to grab their puzzle and that the logical solution would be to get the other child out of there. Letting children know that the problem is that there are two children who want to play with a puzzle and only one puzzle, allows them to bring their creative thinking to developing a solution.
• Help children brainstorm different solutions. Once you define the problem, you can ask children to help come up of solutions: "Two children want to play with puzzles and there is only one puzzle. What shall we do?" After waiting to see if children can come up with ideas, you could help direct their focus. "Are there any more puzzles here?" "Can two people work on one puzzle?" "Could one person work on the truck and another on the road?"
  
• Ask for help from other children. Children may be more open to the ideas of their peers than ours. Also, for children who are observing a conflict, it can be empowering and reassuring to be able to so something to help: "Becca, both of these children want a puzzle and there is only one puzzle, can you help think of a solution?" or "Do you know if there are any more puzzles?"
  
• For more ideas on resolving conflicts between children, click here"

Sharing 

In the children’s room, we follow these guidelines:

• Children may use materials in any way they desire, provided the use does not impose a safety hazard for themselves or anyone else.
• They may use the material/toy until they are done.

If another child desires a toy that is already in use, and the children do not want to play with it together, an adult will help. Adult help may include empathizing with one or both of the children, helping one or both child(ren) wait, holding the toy – and the “hope” – while the problem is being resolved, and helping them talk to one another about what they are wanting.  Respect and empathy are offered to both children, without judgment.

When children appear to having a conflict over an object, we avoid jumping to problem solving or fixing, and instead focus on the feelings that come up for each child. It is often helpful to gently reassure children that you will stay with them, or ask if it would help for you to hold the object in question, until both are satisfied and ready to move on. In this way, the adult also “holds” the hope that has been shaken, restoring faith in the process.

Note: Acknowledgements to Portland Family Freeschool (now closed) for some of the framework of this philosophy.