Change and Opportunity: The Transition to Parenthood
Allan D. Cordova, Ph.D.
The transformation from “couple” to “couple with new baby” is absolutely, undeniably wonderful. It also rocks our life as we know it. At the turn of the 21st century, the transition to parenthood is a nearly universal life cycle event—over 90% of couples have children. It follows that social scientists have long sought to understand how couples experience and react to the transition to parenthood.
In the late 1950s, one researcher, E.E. LeMasters, reported that 83% of his sample experienced “extensive” or “severe” crisis in becoming new parents—and that the 17% who reported just “mild” crisis should be considered “deviants”! However, he recognized that couples’ “previous experience with crisis, the pattern of role organization before the crisis—these factors are equally important in determining the total reaction to the event.” In other words, he seemed to acknowledge that even in the face of a significant life-changing event like becoming parents, couples could exert some control over how they coped and transitioned.
For a number of years researchers continued to debate whether or not the transition to parenthood precipitated crisis for marital relationships. In the 1960s and 70s, a series of papers contested the conclusion that most couples experience crisis in becoming parents (e.g., Hobbs called the addition of a first child to a marriage “somewhat stressful” rather than a “crisis experience”). Some researchers have suggested that we need to consider normal relationship trajectory—independent of parenthood—to explain declines in marital satisfaction often seen in the childbearing years. That is, falling marital happiness could be due to the effects of time rather than due to parenthood per se. More recently, researchers have increasingly moved away from the question of how and whether children affect marital happiness, and focused instead on how couples can change and adapt to the challenges faced when moving from “couplehood” to parenthood.
While prospective parents are faced with a slew of childbirth preparation services, classes, books, etc., most resources are directed at the mother as opposed to the couple more generally. Of course, this makes good sense, as the parent delivering the baby faces a tremendous physical, emotional, and often spiritual transformation. However, birth partners/co-parents may find themselves uncertain of their place in the changing relationship and family dynamic. As well, much attention is focused on the 24-48 hours surrounding the actual labor, delivery, and birth, rather than on the ensuing weeks and months with the baby at home. Many childbirth preparation classes don’t spend much time on the relationship changes the new parents are likely to experience.
It’s probably unwise to speculate too much about how any given couple will experience the transition to parenthood. Just as every mother’s pregnancy and birth experience is unique, the same is true of each couple’s journey into parenthood. At the same time, many parents can relate to at least a few of the following shifts and changes:
- Excitement, elation, and profound love for each other and the newborn
- Sleeplessness/fatigue
- Postpartum mood changes
- Challenges with feeding/nursing
- Changes in professional work role arrangements
- Changes in household work role arrangements/chores
- Changes in sexual intimacy with one’s partner
- Stress about financial issues
- Questions about in-laws’ involvement with the baby
- Child care arrangements
While the transition to parenthood is often described by new parents as among the best things they have ever experienced, there are also a number of potential challenges. Pre-existing troubles with communication, teamwork, negotiation, or relationship satisfaction may become exaggerated—particularly as new parents focus needed attention and energy on their new child, rather than on self-care or doing things that directly benefit the couple.
In considering these challenges, it can be helpful to identify the opportunities inherent in the transition to parenthood—opportunities to find new meaning in changing roles; opportunities to discover personal and relationship strengths never before fully explored; opportunities to deepen intimacy between partners; and opportunities to celebrate the amazement of welcoming a new person into your family. To help remain mindful of these opportunities, couples might consider the following ideas:
- Before and during the transition to parenthood, talk together and identify the things you most appreciate about your relationship. Which of these are you concerned could change? What would you do if they did?
- What aspects of becoming parents are you finding most unexpected?
- If you were to write a letter to your baby, what 3 things would you most want her/him to know about you as parents? As partners?
- What support do you most want to give to your partner? What support do you most want to receive from your partner?
- Can you articulate a few core beliefs/values that you hold as partners? As parents?
Clearly, there are many ways to be a parent, and many ways that couples navigate the transition from pre- to post-partum. There are also many active steps couples can take to create the transition experience they want to have. Communication, support, and openness to the mystery and opportunity of parenthood can create a solid foundation for you and your baby.
